


Way Far Down

by clood



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bittersweet, Doomed Relationship, M/M, Truth hurts, but it's like a good truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clood/pseuds/clood
Summary: Killua is listless and Gon provides him with a space in the world beside him.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 11
Kudos: 21





	Way Far Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsetters (sanitized)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanitized/gifts).



> This is a gift for the lovely [sunsetters](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetters/pseuds/sunsetters), I hope they see this someday :) I absolutely loved their work Phantom Pains (which you should all go read btw) and I feel like we bonded through the comments section a little heh 
> 
> I was inspired to write this after some of our brief chats. We can both appreciate a lil doomed love story and I hope you can too! 
> 
> Title from Victoria Bigelow's song [Low](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqtdw0LBT3o&ab_channel=Indie%26FolkRadio), which also weighed in heavily on the creation of this thing.

Every day, Killua sits at his small kitchen table to drink his morning coffee and read the newspaper. He enjoys the way the sunlight filters in through the window above the sink and the way the black ink stains his fingertips as he flips through the pages of the morning post. 

Sure, it can get a little depressing reading about crimes and pandemics and obituaries, but the good and uplifting stories, the ones about children being saved from burning buildings and cures to obscure diseases being discovered… that’s what gets Killua up in the mornings. 

Like today, he’s reading about a salamander species that was rediscovered in some far-off corner of a country he’s never even heard about. This slimy creature was once thought extinct, but some unnamed hunter blew that theory completely out of the water by finding an entire colony, hidden yet thriving. Even though Killua prefers the comfort of his computer and soft blankets to a soggy jungle, it gives him a surge of energy to read about lost things being found. 

Whenever Killua comes across stories like these, where hunters find some new species of reptile or plant, he always snaps a photo of the headline and sends it to Gon, who loves to hear about these things but doesn’t quite have the attention span to sit down and find it himself. A fond part of Killua’s heart likes to imagine it’s Gon who is getting all this recognition, is waiting for the day that Gon’s name is splashed across the headlines after having made some incredible discovery of his own. 

It’s been years since Killua has last seen Gon, years since he watched his back recede in the distance as he ran toward a future he’d desired since childhood. While Gon chased down his own dreams, Killua helped his little sister find hers. And after that, after the dust had settled and Alluka had gone out on her own, Killua was left feeling a little lost and more than a little lonely. 

In the years that have passed since their parting, Gon and Killua have done their best to keep in touch: writing letters and hurried text messages, leaving short voicemails. More often than not, they end up playing phone tag until they finally catch one another in the middle of the night on random days. More often than not, they stay on the line until the sun’s first rays kiss the sky, hanging up with murmurs of “I love you” and “stay safe.” Those are Killua’s favorite nights, when things almost feel the same as they used to, and he feels a little less lonely than before. 

Killua finishes his coffee and his reading and washes off the dark stain from his hands as he rinses his mug. He stares wistfully out the window at the crowded cityscape that sprawls out below his fifteenth-floor apartment, feeling comfortable enough about where he’s ended up at the same time that he feels incredibly small and inadequate. 

After watching Gon leave and finishing his travels with Alluka, Killua found himself lost without someone to follow for the first time in his life. Since birth, he’s always been working to live up to someone’s expectations, whether that be his father’s, his friends’ or his sister’s. Now, living in his own space after finishing a master’s degree and trying to decide what his own expectations for himself are, Killua feels a sense of loss he can’t quite place. 

It’s not that he hasn’t been successful, quite the opposite really. He’s saved the world, rescued his little sister from the clutches of their family, and made quite a name for himself in the realm of digital communications. He was even a senior editor at an up-and-coming magazine for a time, but even that began to feel hollow after a while. 

At twenty-six, Killua feels he hasn’t found a place for himself in the world and doesn’t know what he needs to feel happy, and that makes him feel quite empty inside. 

Through their sparse communications, Killua has become familiar with the places Gon’s expeditions have taken him to in search of rare plants and animals—he’d truly found his calling after his stints with Ging and back home. Leorio also travels the world, but as a talented and compassionate doctor, curing all the incurable patients that the universe has already given up on. Even Alluka has found her niche, selling art in a big city far away from Killua and working toward her own art gallery someday. In comparison, Killua sees his halfhearted degrees and sparsely decorated apartment as abysmal failures. 

Whenever Killua stands at the sink and gazes at the city below him, he can’t help but drown in the desire to be anyone but himself. What he wouldn’t give to be an anonymous citizen hurrying to their simple 9-5 job, hoping for the day to pass quickly so he could return home to his lover and their cozy, suburban home. A hollow ache in his chest reminds him that he could do it, he could dissolve into anonymity and never reappear, but some small hope for golden eyes pulls him back and sets him in his place. Even though that place is lonely, and one he should have abandoned years ago. 

Killua is drawn from his reverie by the harsh sound of someone pounding on his door, restless and loud. 

He rolls his eyes, his mind automatically cutting back to the salesmen who routinely show up at his apartment to try and get him to buy cheap perfume at absurd prices. He supposes this comes with the territory of living in a building mainly comprised of rich, gullible retirees, but he prefers this to the tasteless music and the permeating smell of smoke that was his old place in college. 

“Look, whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested,” he says loudly as he turns the lock to shoo away whoever’s accosting him this time. He does not expect to see Gon standing in his doorway, all shining eyes and tanned skin. 

“Killua,” Gon breathes softly, before rushing forward and enveloping Killua in a bone-crushing hug. 

He can’t even begin to process what’s happening as Gon hangs on to his slight frame, squeezing him a little too tight with the force of his affection. Killua realizes that he should be elated right now, but he isn’t really sure what he’s feeling, given that he hasn’t actually seen Gon in what feels like forever. He wants Gon to let go so he can just have a second to process. 

Gon finally releases him, beaming that great big smile of his at Killua and talking a mile a minute about how glad he is to see Killua again and how excited he is to start going on adventures together again, like the good old days. 

Killua almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of this whole situation, Gon barreling through his front door and insisting they go back to how they were after he _just_ got through silently begging the universe to bless him with a boring, stable purpose. What he wants now could not be farther from the good old days. At least, what Killua thinks he wants now, anyway. 

“How did you find me here?” is all he can manage, several minutes into Gon unceremoniously tossing his things on the ground and expressing his absolute glee at their unplanned reunion.

“I’ve just missed Killua so much,” Gon says, barely missing a beat as he gazes at Killua, who hasn’t moved from his spot beside the door despite Gon pushing through the entryway. “When I realized I loved you all those years ago, I really wanted to do something about it, but I just had so much other stuff on my plate you know? But I came as quickly as I could because text messages and voicemails just aren’t enough anymore!” 

Killua stands, dumbfounded at the answer that’s not an answer. 

“Come again?” he asks, unsure if he’s connecting the dots correctly yet almost afraid that he is. 

Gon looks at him with impossibly big eyes and reiterates, “I said I love you, and I came here to finally be with you.” 

And just like that, Killua feels himself being drawn back in by Gon’s gravitational pull, like he’s thirteen again and desperate for attention. Maybe this is what he’s missing, maybe Gon coming back into his life is what can finally help him feel like he’s found his space to exist in the world. Maybe, maybe not. 

Killua supposes there’s only one way to find out and lets Gon lead the way.

* * *

No time passes at all before Killua has settled back into a routine he knew well in his adolescence, one where Gon speaks and Killua listens. Gon decides which way to go, and Killua follows. 

He finds he doesn’t mind now just as much as he didn’t mind then, to be the follower and never the leader. It’s easy to let Gon back into his life like this, to let him take the wheel while Killua lays comfortably in the back seat. 

The first few weeks are tumultuous, nonetheless, as they dip their toes into the same lukewarm water, only this time there’s the added component that they are lovers. It’s strange for Killua to suddenly have what he once craved so much. 

Killua thinks back idly to the nameless people he dreamed of becoming and wonders if this is better than that, if having Gon back at his side is the cure to his bleak outlook on his life. He does know, though, that Gon seems confident in this change of dynamic, and it’s not bad, per se, so he lets it happen like he lets everything happen. 

Gon swears he’s looking for his own place and that he doesn’t want to impose, he even goes house hunting every Tuesday while Killua works on some freelance gigs he’s booked. He’s only ever gone for about an hour, and all his stuff is finding its place in Killua’s drawers, and Killua isn’t pushing it. Gon’s whirlwind settles and Killua’s vague unease settles, and a part of his heart starts to find comfort in Gon’s presence once more. The same part that had wished for his name to appear in print before him and for his golden eyes to save him from his listlessness. 

Killua stops reading the newspaper every day, his mornings now filled with elaborate breakfasts made by Gon and early excursions to explore the nature trails just outside the bustling city. He’ll admit it’s exciting and it feels nice to be alongside his best friend once again in true adventurous spirit, but he misses those quiet mornings with the soft yellow light. 

Some nights, when Killua settles in for bed with Gon’s arm slung across his waist and his breath tickling his skin, he can’t help but think that something feels off. Being with Gon in this way doesn’t feel like he had once imagined, not completely anyway, and he can’t place his finger on just what exactly the problem is. 

He’d wanted a place to exist comfortably, and he’d found one again at Gon’s side. This is, for all intents and purposes, what he had wanted so desperately as he stared at the cars and the people on the street below him that morning which now feels like so long ago. 

Despite these affirmations sneaking into his mind with each breath Gon takes in his sleep, Killua knows deep in his bones that this is not what he wants. After several sleepless nights in a row, analyzing every aspect of his existence, he finally comes to the conclusion he doesn’t want. 

The unfortunate truth is that he is not the kid he was all those years ago, who was entirely prepared to throw his life away to show Gon how much he cared. The lamentable truth is that he doesn’t love Gon in the same way he used to. The selfish truth is that he doesn’t want to let himself end up alone, and Gon seems to be the most willing candidate to fill that void. 

Killua knows that if he lets Gon stay, he’ll just be using him as a mechanism to avoid any proper self-reflection and he knows they both deserve something more than that. 

Coming to this decision at three in the morning is not Killua’s most shining moment. He knows, though, that he needs to say it aloud before the sun’s early rays adorn Gon’s features in such a way that all doubt disappears from Killua’s mind and he settles once again into a life of complacency. 

This is the thought process that pushes Killua to nudge Gon awake at half-past three, pushes Killua to be honest with himself for the first time since going out on his own. 

“Gon, oi, Gon,” Killua whispers as he prods Gon’s shoulder in the dark. He feels him jolt awake beneath his touch and he feels an instant of remorse before shoving that aside in favor of the weightlessness that always follows after baring one’s soul. 

“What’s wrong?” Gon whispers, eyes blown wide and scanning the room for signs of an emergency.

Shaking his head, Killua whispers back, “We need to talk Gon, I have something really important to tell you.” 

“Yeah?” replies Gon, shifting back against his pillows to get a better look at Killua in the moonlight. “What is it?”

Killua takes a deep breath before blurting out, “We can’t keep going on like this.” 

The silence in the air hangs heavy as Killua realizes there’s really no going back, but this is truly for the best. 

“Specifically, I can’t keep living the way I have been,” he continues. “I have been struggling so hard to find my purpose, Gon, ever since we said goodbye at the World Tree and honestly probably way before that. Right before you showed up, I kept imagining how great it would be to just be another person in the crowd and live some boring, cushy little life and look like an ant from someone’s apartment window. Like, literally, those were the thoughts going through my head when you barged in and told me you loved me.” 

Gon looks confused and Killua knows he’s talking too fast and about things Gon doesn't even know about, but he’s afraid that if he stops, he’ll never build back the confidence to finish what he’s started. 

“When you showed up again, I convinced myself that the thing that was missing from my life was you and your radiance and life, so I let things get to where they are, and I was really just using you as an excuse to avoid facing my dissatisfaction at where I’ve ended up.” Killua takes a breath and considers, for the briefest of moments, what he is about to say next. “And I’m ashamed to say that I don’t love you the same way I used to when we were kids.” 

The moonlight illuminates Gon’s features and lets Killua know that he wasn’t the only one to consider their current situation and appraise it for what it truly was. 

“I’m ashamed because you’re the first and only person who’s ever loved me, and I hate that I can’t do the things I need to do for myself and give you what you want at the same time,” Killua continues, worrying the blanket between his fingers. “I don’t want to die alone but I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

The seconds wear on as Killua stares into Gon’s eyes, searching fruitlessly for the answers he knows he won’t ever find with him. The spell broke the moment Killua spoke into the darkness of the night, leaving them both cold and uncertain. 

“I mean, I will admit I realized things weren’t really the same after I arrived,” Gon says softly, reaching out to take Killua’s hand and give it a soft squeeze. “I was never really sure how to bring it up, so I guess I avoided it, and I’m sorry about that.” 

Of all the things Killua could have prepared himself for, it was definitely not this, not Gon admitting that things were strange or speaking to him so sincerely. 

“I knew something was up, in the back of my mind. I should have said something when I first noticed it,” Gon continues, thumb stroking Killua’s knuckles, “but can’t we work this out? Can’t we stay friends, stay together, stay us?” 

Killua sighs, “I don’t think there can be an us, Gon. Especially not until I figure out just what it is I’m missing.” A somber silence stretches between them. 

“I want to become someone I can be proud of, and I don’t think I can do that until I've dispelled whatever it is that's making me feel this way and holding me back from my own happiness.” 

Gon nods, a look of understanding unfolding beneath a deep, sad expression. 

“I can gather up my stuff in the morning and head out,” he says, sliding back down his pillow and pulling the sheets up to his chin. “I should become someone I can be proud of too.” 

Killua nods but can’t think of anything else to say, and, it seems, neither can Gon. They end up falling into a restless sleep which carries them into the morning, delivering them to quiet daylight with no sunshine. 

As Gon shuffles around the apartment and gathers his things, Killua watches from afar and tries to think of something, anything to say. It’s not that Gon is mad at him, they didn’t even fight. If anything, he feels a new, deep sense of respect between the two of them after having traversed the absolute truth, maybe a drop of melancholy at the fact that the truth seems to want them apart again. 

By noon they stand at the front door, hands clasped as they stare into each other’s eyes which gleam with tears that threaten to spill at any moment. Killua realizes, standing there, that he really could take it all back and ask Gon to stay just a little while longer. He could ask Gon to unpack again and stay, but he knows better. He knows that would just hurt them both more than they’re already hurting. 

“Call me okay? We’ll keep in touch,” Gon says, eyes burning as he tries to memorize every detail of Killua’s face. “I want to know you who become.” 

Killua lets out a wet laugh, “Of course. You too.” 

Gon gives Killua’s fingers one final squeeze and starts down the hall toward the stairs. He pauses for a moment, and Killua thinks maybe he’s forgotten something that he can’t leave without. 

He turns and his voice reverberates in the hallway as he says, “You won’t die alone, Killua. I know it.” 

Killua’s heart aches as he watches Gon turn back around and unlatch the stairwell door. He’s torn between the pain that radiates as he watches his best friend’s back recede in the distance once more and the excitement blooming in his chest at the prospect of what’s to come. 

After standing in the doorway quietly for much too long, Killua returns to the kitchen, brews himself a cup of coffee, and sits with the stack of papers he’s neglected the last few months. As he cracks open the most recent issue, sunlight pours in through the little window above the sink, and Killua feels more at peace than he ever has in his entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! 
> 
> This was kind of hard to write, I rewrote it at least 4 separate times but I really wanted to finish it and show my appreciation to someone I now consider a friend despite never having met and all that jazzzz lol. 
> 
> Please feel free to find me on tumbr [@clood](http://clood.tumblr.com) to scream about hxh or life or anything I would love love love that!!!


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